The last year or more I've lost a lot of my spirituality. I'm not sure what's caused my question in faith or my disinterest in all things religious. Maybe it's feeling like a face in the crowd at church rather than a part of it. Maybe it's so many people talking about the inevitable apocalypse we are currently experiencing. Maybe it's so many people in my life pressing the "God" issue. I don't know. What I do know is that I don't feel a connection to God. When I pray I feel like it's more about talking to myself than some great spiritual being who is concerned about me. And why would God be concerned about me? Who am I in the grand scheme of things? With billions of people on the planet and a large majority of them dealing with poverty, starvation, political and social injustice- what prayers do I really have that need answering? "Please God help me be patient with my three year old" seems so insignificant compared to "Please God don't let my entire family be killed by genocide." Isn't it my American self-centered-ness that would lead me to belive that I hold any significance to a God with so much to deal with and worry about.
But feeling insignificant also leads me to feeling disconnected. I go to church, I don't, it really doesn't matter. There's no accountability. No one knows if I'm there or not. I pray, I don't pray, it really doesn't matter- doesn't my voice get lost in the billions of voices with valid, real reasons to pray? I read the Bible and all I can do is question the translation, the meaning, the interpretation... How much is jaded by history and small minds?
So, I survived yesterday's rapture along with all of the other claims of the apocalypse thus far. We'll see how December 2012 goes. No matter what, something must change between now and whenever my personal end comes or I can be sure of an eternity not filled with marshmallow cream and golden harps.
Karmen, I'm so glad I found your blog! I love the way your write. You are so direct and straight with the world, and you think a lot of the things that I think but don't always say. It's really cool to get to "hang out" with you even though we're miles and miles apart by reading what's going on in your life. Congratulations on the baby you're expecting! Wish I could be closer to share it with you. =) And I have this for you: Luke 12:6-7 Are not five sparrows sold for two cents? Yet not one of them is forgotten before God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.
ReplyDelete